Village Voice writer/ humorist Michael Musto shares his 62 reasons for “Why I Hate Being Gay”.

Illustration by Daniel Zalkus

You assume the Super Bowl is a large household item at Pottery Barn. … Your fake tans are even more life-threatening than your real ones. … Your entire wardrobe consists of male designers having a midlife crisis.

You spend your whole life fighting for rights you don’t even want for yourself. (Marriage and the military? No thanks!)…Gym was the bane of your entire childhood, but now you spend $1,350 a year on it. … You gym all day and unsafe all night. … It’s not even called “barebacking” anymore. It’s just “sex.”… You think “modern dance” means Britney. … You strangely turned off to Gaga the day she released a song about how great gays are. … You haven’t followed a female singer with two names since Alanis.

Way more of your friends bookmark Manhunt than nytimes. … You spend half the day Photoshopping your Manhunt photos and the other half adjusting the lighting in your apartment so it’ll match when they show up. … The different subgenres of LGBTs hate each other. … I hate muscle queens! … The LGBT community pressures you to be a toned-down gay to move things forward, so you’ve basically come out of the closet to enter into a whole other form of oppression. … You’re furious when you catch your lover cheating, but you’re convinced your own dalliances are perfectly acceptable and in fact worthy of applause. … You started Botox treatments at 25. … You work a cash register, but tell people you work “in retail.”… You refer to your trick from last week as “my ex.”

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