In what was either the boldest statement of gay pride in hockey since the Stanley Cup cameo in a Chicago parade or the most surreal moment of camp comedy since the Belfast Giants’ holiday sing-along … well, THIS happened in last night’s Vancouver Canucks’ win against the Los Angeles Kings.

By Bruce Heffernan for The Onion

Look, I’m not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I’ve been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man’s man, too—big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn’t seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don’t recall the phrase, “Suck my cock” entering the conversation, and I don’t have a sign around my neck that reads, “Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock.”

I’ve got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, I’ve got a real problem.

Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he’s sucking my cock!

What is it with these homos? Can’t they control their sexual urges? Aren’t there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me?

Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who’ve come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on the street, I’m afraid he’s going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my cock. I’ve even started to visualize these repulsive cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I enjoy with my wife—even some that haven’t actually happened, like the sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver Canucks forward Mark Messier that I can’t seem to stop thinking about.

Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I’m just angry and sickened. But, believe me, that’s enough. I don’t know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don’t want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.

I’ve tried all sorts of things, but it’s all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn’t work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, chest, and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these swishes?

I swear, if these homosexuals don’t take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I’m going to have to resort to drastic measures—like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can’t get much more direct than that.

via Huffington Post

Far too little research exists on lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals and more study into their lifestyles is needed for medical authorities to better serve them, a report released on Thursday shows. The report, authored by the Institute of Medicine and commissioned by the National Institutes of Health, found a lack of research on LGBT individuals. It lays the groundwork to close that information gap, suggesting more research into social influences, barriers to equitable health care and the differing needs of various generations of LGBT people.

“This is a sea change in establishing the scientific importance of research in LGBT health,” said Dr. Caitlin Ryan, director of the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University and a contributor to the report.

The report summarized what many experts already know about the population, including that LGB youths are at increased risk for suicide and depression, that HIV-AIDS primarily affects young black men who have sex with other men and that LGBT people are frequently targets of discrimination and violence. Most practitioners, however, are not well educated in how to care for the LGBT population, including understanding sexual orientation development, gender identity and the impact of stigma and discrimination on health, the report said. All this matters because it affects doctors’ ability to ask the right questions about support at home, to make referrals, and to order the proper tests for physical and mental health care, Ryan said.

With a clearer picture of the patients they serve, doctors can provide better healthcare, policy makers can fund appropriate prevention programs and researchers will understand which problems need more study, Ryan said. NIH director Dr. Francis Collins said that going forward research should be viewed as an opportunity to collect demographic data on the LGBT community.

“The report makes clear that we have enormous gaps in our understanding of the health issues confronting LGBT people,” Collins said.

“One critical issue is that we have not systematically or accurately collected data from research participants about sexual orientation or gender identity.”

One of the best ways to gather data would be to include questions on existing surveys used by health departments to collect information about the general population, the report said.

“The inclusion of questions on sexual orientation and gender identity on federally funded surveys, if it occurs, is a huge step forward in understanding LGBT health issues and disparities,” said Ryan.

However, getting the right data to researchers might prove to be more difficult than asking the right questions. Research team members at a Washington news conference on the report said there are methodological, funding, and political barriers.

“This is something that we’ve done for other populations and quite frankly we simply should be doing it for this population,” physician and Northwestern University professor Robert Garofalo told reporters.

“This document goes a long way in framing it from a very scientific perspective and it’s entirely now a matter of political will to get it done.”

In separate comments, Judith Bradford, director of the center for population research in lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender health at The Fenway Institute, credited the report with shining a spotlight on the fact that the LGBT community has different healthcare needs.

For example, older LGBT individuals are less likely to have children than their heterosexual counterparts, and less likely to receive care from adult children, said Bradford.

She said particular attention needs to be paid to ensuring that as the LGBT community ages, there will be appropriate health services available.

Dr. Harvey Makadon, director of education at The Fenway Institute and a contributor to the report, said clinicians need to feel comfortable talking about sexual orientation and gender identity and to understand what to do with that information.

National Gay and Lesbian Task Force executive director Rea Carey praised the report and said it “exposes the disturbing fact that our community has been largely ignored in most medical and health services research.”

In response to the report findings, NIH said it will begin improving methodology for collecting survey data on sexual orientation and gender identity and consider new ways NIH can support recommended research initiatives.

(Reporting by Lauren Keiper; Additional reporting by Wendell Marsh in Washington; Editing by Barbara Goldberg and Jerry Norton)