Having an intimate relationship with someone requires us to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. In a relationship, your partner gets to see all of you – no filter. Strong relationships are built on good communication and trust, but discussions about health can sometimes present complicated challenges that we need to navigate.

Whether it’s updates about your HIV status, or just sharing the results of a recent STI test, there can be a lot of anxiety associated with sexual health discussions when we’re in a relationship.

This blog aims to provide tips and strategies to help gay men have safe and honest conversations about HIV and STI statuses with their partners.

Let’s explore the power of honest and open dialogue and how it can foster healthier relationships.

Should you disclose your HIV status in a relationship?

This is a slightly complicated topic because there’s some parts of the world that legally require you to disclose your HIV status, and others where you could be committing an offence if you recklessly expose someone to the virus.

From a health perspective – with the protections available through PrEP and TasP – there’s no specific reason why you need to disclose your HIV status unless you want to.

Having said that, in the interests of open and honest communication, it’s probably a good idea to share HIV status in the context of talking about sexual health and health generally. For example, the conversation could go something like:

• Your boyfriend: “I have asthma, so I carry an inhaler.”
• You: “Cool, I have HIV, so I take medication for that. I’m undetectable.”
• “Your boyfriend: “That’s good that you’re undetectable. I’m taking PrEP so we’ve got that well and truly covered.”

Of course, if you encounter any HIV-related stigma in that kind of conversation, then that’s a bit of a red-flag for the relationship going forward. It’s always good to educate people who aren’t up-to-date with where we’re at with HIV, but it’s not a very sexy conversation.

Gay bareback sex is a turn-on, battling stigma and misinformation is not.

What should you consider before disclosing your HIV status?

Thinking about STIs may not be at the top of your priority list when you’re in the early stages of what could be an exciting relationship, but it’s never a bad idea to check in with yourself about your sexual health.

When you’re first dating, it’s much more fun to talk about gay kinks and fetishes, your favourite type of gay porn, or maybe even talk about opening up your relationship for a threesome. Banging on about condoms or going into graphic detail about your latest brush with gonorrhoea may not be the best move if you’re trying to present yourself as husband-material.

A good starting point is to make sure that you’re up-to-date with your STI testing. You need to know where you’re at with HIV and any other potential issues. That gives you a really firm foundation to share that information with your partner when that conversation happens.

How do you explain undetectable HIV to your partner?

If you are HIV-positive and undetectable, you’re probably very-much-over explaining what undetectable means. However, if you’re beginning a new relationship and the guy that you’re dating is HIV-negative, then you may need to help him get up-to-speed on the facts.

If you are HIV-positive and on effective medication, it’s likely – and can be confirmed by testing – that your viral load is undetectable. This means that you cannot transmit the virus to anyone else.

Obviously, you can be in a relationship and have sex with other people. Your partner may still choose to take PrEP. He knows that you won’t transmit HIV to him, but someone who is not undetectable might.

What if your partner is not ready to handle your HIV status?

If you disclose to your partner that you are HIV-positive and they are not ready to handle the information, that feels like a bit of a deal-breaker.

Your HIV status isn’t going to change. Sure, you could do your best to educate them and overcome the stigma that they’re associating with the virus, but that feels like a lot of work with no guarantee that it will be worth the effort.

How do I disclose that I am a gay man with herpes?

If you are a gay man with herpes, you may wonder how to disclose your status to your partner. The best way to inform them about your situation is to say that you have herpes. You can explain that the herpes virus can cause sores on the skin. Additionally, you can tell them that it is a prevalent virus and that most people have it.

Most people with herpes take pills, such as acyclovir (Zovirax), famciclovir (Famvir), and valacyclovir (Valtrex). You can tell your partner that you are taking medication to control the virus and minimise the risk of transmission.

Additionally, you can be honest about your symptoms and any potential risks. Your partner should know there is a slight chance that they could contract the virus, but again, this is not likely to happen with you maintaining the proper treatment.

Do not be afraid, to be honest in your gay relationship. Honesty is always the best policy, especially regarding topics such as HIV status, STIs or herpes.

Written by Gareth Johnson