While our search for intimacy and connection is a fundamental human need, the way that we navigate hook-ups and dating has clearly evolved.

In a time before the internet, you would have to go to a gay cruising bar and talk to men face-to-face, or use your body-language as you cruised an adult bookstore, or maybe signalled your intentions with a strategically placed bandana. But we have to move with the times – having a smart-phone in our pocket has transformed many aspects of our lives, including how we meet men for sex.

The rapidly changing technological landscape requires us to reconsider and evolve the etiquette and expectations of how we communicate with each other and how we present ourselves to the wider world.

Let’s get into it.

Why is everyone asking for my nudes?

If you’ve ever dipped your toe into the world of online dating or set up a profile on a gay hookup app, your initial exchanges with other guys will invariably include a request for you to send gay dick pics or nudes.

Usually, the request will be put bluntly as something like “got pics?” or “any pics?”

If a guy is asking to see your pics, he’s not interested in your holiday snaps or photos of your dog, he wants to see your naked body.

It goes without saying – but we’re going to emphasise the point anyway – you are under no obligation to send naked photos of yourself to anyone. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your nudes with people you don’t know on the internet, you absolutely don’t have to. 

It’s important to be clear on your own boundaries but you should be prepared that if you don’t fulfil someone’s request to see your naked photos, they’re highly likely to end the conversation and turn their attention elsewhere.

There’s a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, they’re going to be curious as to what your dick and butt look like. That’s just human nature – we want to see it. Secondly, sending nudes can help verify that you’re a real person and not someone out to scam them or waste their time.

Are Gay Men Expected to Send Dick Pics on Hookup Apps?

While it would be helpful if sex-ed classes in school included some guidance for gay men on dating apps, the reality is that we’re all doing our best to figure it out through trial-and-error. 

There is no rule-book on how to communicate on hook-up apps, but our collective experience tends to shape some behavioural norms.

The culture that has grown around online dating and hook-up apps can feel very transactional. We’re processing information quickly as we swipe, we’re making decisions and judgements on superficial information, and we approach every interaction prioritising our needs in that moment – with little empathy for the men that we’re pursuing or rejecting.

While it may feel like an invasion of privacy or emotional blackmail if someone is threatening – directly or indirectly – to end the conversation unless you send them nude photos, that is the world that we live in. Changing technology has evolved the way we communicate and present ourselves to the world – where that’s taken us is transactional interactions in which a dick-pic is the price you have to pay to avoid being ghosted, blocked, or ignored.

How Do I Set Boundaries Without Killing the Vibe?

Despite the best intentions of everyone involved, our experience of sharing our lives online tells us that once we send nude photos to strangers on the internet, we’ve lost control over where those photos might end up. You have to be prepared that your nude photos could be seen by people that you didn’t expect to see them.

When you’re reflecting on what your boundaries might be in terms of what you’re prepared to share as you navigate online dating conversations, a useful starting point is to take a worst-case scenario. What’s the worst thing that would happen if a photo of your penis or a photo of your butt went public?

In some ways, we’ve seen a normalisation of nudity. For many of us, it wouldn’t be a big deal if everyone saw naked photos of us – it’s possible that they’ve already seen them. But it very much depends on the job that you do, the culture you live in, and the community that you’re part of. 

If the distribution of your naked photos would have significant negative consequences for you then you need to think very carefully before you fire off your dick pics to anyone that asks for them.

If you’ve set yourself some limitations on what you share online, it’s helpful to try and communicate that upfront with guys that you’re chatting to on hook-up apps. For example, if someone has asked to see your dick pic, rather than being coy or ignoring the question, simply explain that you’d love to send them pics but can’t because of restrictions relating to your job or whatever. That then opens the door to talk about how else you might be able to progress the conversation but you’re running the risk that they’ll block you and you’ll need to continue your search elsewhere.

How Can I Keep it “Safe-for-Work” But Still Send Pics?

A common tactic is to send separate face photos from body photos. While a prominent tattoo or distinctive birthmark may give the game away if anyone was looking closely, keeping your face out of your nude photos can give you some plausible deniability if you need to try and distance yourself from any horny interactions on hook-up apps.

Try suggesting a video-call. While there’s still a risk that a video-call could be recorded, it’s an effective way of proving that you’re a real person and also giving them a preview of your body without giving them access to your private album. 

Do the call in your underwear and you’ll be able to showcase your bulge or give them a glimpse of every inch if there’s pressure to demonstrate if you’re cut versus uncut to get laid.

Do Photos Enhance My Shot At Getting Laid?

If your search for intimacy is focused on hook-up apps and online dating, then yes – photos are going to be valuable currency as you try and seal the deal with a guy that you want to get naked with.

Any photos are going to be better than no photos – it’s tough for a blank profile to get much action – but naked photos will be what guys are really wanting to see no matter how good your profile photo is on your account.

The psychology behind it is fairly simple – we want to see what’s on the menu. Sure, you could argue that part of the fun of getting to know someone is the excitement of undressing with them for the first time, but remember – this is how our communication has evolved, we are time-poor and transactionally focused. We need to make decisions fast and your dick pic is likely to be the deciding factor.

All photos taken from Selfie Help by Next Door Taboo, featuring Michael Jackman and Donte Thick.