Whether you want to be a gay vers pro, or you’re a gay power-bottom who wants to see the other side of things, topping a hot gay date doesn’t have to be rocket science – you just need some willingness to take your red rocket to new terrains.

In this article, we discuss some helpful tips for when you’re topping for the first time. We’ll also look at how you can be a better top when you’re worshipping the hole of a seasoned power-bottom.

How to Top When Gay

For many guys, butt sex is one of the best bits about man-on-man action or a gay anal hookup. When we’re talking about sex, we often use the short-hand terminology of Top and Bottom to clarify who’s doing what to whom, or what we’re feeling like in the moment.

These aren’t binary identities. You might get some guys who describe themselves as “exclusively Top” or “exclusively Bottom”, but you’ll have better sex if you’re open to pleasure from all angles. You really need to have skills that you can adapt to whatever the situation requires.

Sure, you might have a preference. But the more you can understand about how to give and receive pleasure, the more fun you’ll have.

Today, we’re focusing on how to Top another guy. If you’re the Top, that means that you’re pushing your cock into the other guy’s ass. The guy that’s taking your cock is the Bottom.

But there’s more to Topping than just getting hard and sticking it in. Let’s get into it.

Foreplay and Lube!

Foreplay and lube are two essential ingredients for great anal sex.

The objective of both is to make sure that your Bottom is relaxed, receptive, and ready to take your cock up their ass.

Go for a good quality lube and use lots of it. There’s lots of different types of lube out there – experiment and find one that works best for you. Talk about it with your Bottom – they might have a preference. Great lube means great sex.

From a foreplay perspective, your focus – as the Top – should be on your Bottom’s ass. Using your fingers is fine, but you really need to put your mouth to work. You need to be rimming your Bottom’s ass until he’s begging for you to fuck him.

Rimming isn’t just licking his fuck-hole. You want to bring variety to your rimming technique – kiss, spit, bite, chew – work his hole from every angle and get that tongue in deep.

Listen to Your Partner

Communication is really important. Listen for verbal cues and look for visual cues.

At the beginning, your questions might be along the lines of – “Is this okay?” “Does that feel good?”

As your encounter progresses, you might be looking for indicators on how rough you should be – “Like that?” “Harder?”

Equally important is checking in to make sure that you’re both in the same head-space – “Need some more lube?” “Want some water?” “Want to take a break?”

How to Accommodate a Gay Power Bottom

Hooking up with a guy who describes himself as a power-bottom can be a bit intimidating. Often, the temptation is just to try and fuck him really hard – pound him relentlessly like a fuck-machine.

While some guys are into that, and most guys will enjoy a bit of that at some stage, even a power-bottom is going to want some variety from you.

You always want to start off fairly slow. You need to make sure that your Bottom’s sphincter is relaxed and accommodating before attempting anything too intense. The more relaxed your Bottom’s butt gets, the more options that you’ll both have.

Lots of communication is good at this stage. You’ll have a sense of how your Bottom’s body is responding, but listen to his verbal cues – he’ll let you know when he’s ready for more.

Don’t Just Stand There

Just because you’re the Top doesn’t mean that you have to do all the work. You can expect your Bottom to be actively moving into different positions. But you do need to take charge.

Don’t be a passive top. You’re the one delivering the dick-down. Your Bottom is going to want to feel your power and your presence. Spit in his face, slap his ass, and let him feel every inch of you.

Talk Dirty

A bit of filthy talk during sex can be a great way to turn up the heat and make sure that you’re both on the same page.

But it’s probably best to start mild and then crank up the raunch if you see that it’s getting a positive response.

Even if you feel that your pre-hookup chat has set the tone, just because your Bottom DMd you that he wants you to ruin his cunt doesn’t necessarily mean that you open with that as soon as you get down to business. Online conversations are different from real-life conversations.

It’s also important not to impose your fantasies onto your Bottom. It might turn you on to talk filthy about how stretched and loose your Bottom’s fuck-hole is, but that could be perceived as a negative comment or a form of slut-shaming.

Take your cues from what your Bottom is saying. If he’s calling his but tight, go with that. If he’s calling it loose, go with that. Language matters.

Accommodate His Angles

To be a good Top, it helps to have at least a basic understanding of the male body. Anatomy diagrams are a good starting point to understand how everything fits together, but the important thing to remember is that we’re all built slightly differently and so our ass play might need to be adapted or adjusted.

When you’re Topping, it’s a good idea to be thinking about your Bottom’s prostate. This is a major pleasure spot. One of your primary goals when you’re Topping is to try and stimulate your Bottom’s prostate.

Being able to hit the prostate as you fuck your cock into him is one of the reasons that it’s a good idea to experiment with different positions.

Remember, regularly asking: “Does that feel good?” can ensure that you’re both getting what you want out of this encounter and you’ll quickly get a reputation as Top of the Tops.

While our search for intimacy and connection is a fundamental human need, the way that we navigate hook-ups and dating has clearly evolved.

In a time before the internet, you would have to go to a gay cruising bar and talk to men face-to-face, or use your body-language as you cruised an adult bookstore, or maybe signalled your intentions with a strategically placed bandana. But we have to move with the times – having a smart-phone in our pocket has transformed many aspects of our lives, including how we meet men for sex.

The rapidly changing technological landscape requires us to reconsider and evolve the etiquette and expectations of how we communicate with each other and how we present ourselves to the wider world.

Let’s get into it.

Why is everyone asking for my nudes?

If you’ve ever dipped your toe into the world of online dating or set up a profile on a gay hookup app, your initial exchanges with other guys will invariably include a request for you to send gay dick pics or nudes.

Usually, the request will be put bluntly as something like “got pics?” or “any pics?”

If a guy is asking to see your pics, he’s not interested in your holiday snaps or photos of your dog, he wants to see your naked body.

It goes without saying – but we’re going to emphasise the point anyway – you are under no obligation to send naked photos of yourself to anyone. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your nudes with people you don’t know on the internet, you absolutely don’t have to. 

It’s important to be clear on your own boundaries but you should be prepared that if you don’t fulfil someone’s request to see your naked photos, they’re highly likely to end the conversation and turn their attention elsewhere.

There’s a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, they’re going to be curious as to what your dick and butt look like. That’s just human nature – we want to see it. Secondly, sending nudes can help verify that you’re a real person and not someone out to scam them or waste their time.

Are Gay Men Expected to Send Dick Pics on Hookup Apps?

While it would be helpful if sex-ed classes in school included some guidance for gay men on dating apps, the reality is that we’re all doing our best to figure it out through trial-and-error. 

There is no rule-book on how to communicate on hook-up apps, but our collective experience tends to shape some behavioural norms.

The culture that has grown around online dating and hook-up apps can feel very transactional. We’re processing information quickly as we swipe, we’re making decisions and judgements on superficial information, and we approach every interaction prioritising our needs in that moment – with little empathy for the men that we’re pursuing or rejecting.

While it may feel like an invasion of privacy or emotional blackmail if someone is threatening – directly or indirectly – to end the conversation unless you send them nude photos, that is the world that we live in. Changing technology has evolved the way we communicate and present ourselves to the world – where that’s taken us is transactional interactions in which a dick-pic is the price you have to pay to avoid being ghosted, blocked, or ignored.

How Do I Set Boundaries Without Killing the Vibe?

Despite the best intentions of everyone involved, our experience of sharing our lives online tells us that once we send nude photos to strangers on the internet, we’ve lost control over where those photos might end up. You have to be prepared that your nude photos could be seen by people that you didn’t expect to see them.

When you’re reflecting on what your boundaries might be in terms of what you’re prepared to share as you navigate online dating conversations, a useful starting point is to take a worst-case scenario. What’s the worst thing that would happen if a photo of your penis or a photo of your butt went public?

In some ways, we’ve seen a normalisation of nudity. For many of us, it wouldn’t be a big deal if everyone saw naked photos of us – it’s possible that they’ve already seen them. But it very much depends on the job that you do, the culture you live in, and the community that you’re part of. 

If the distribution of your naked photos would have significant negative consequences for you then you need to think very carefully before you fire off your dick pics to anyone that asks for them.

If you’ve set yourself some limitations on what you share online, it’s helpful to try and communicate that upfront with guys that you’re chatting to on hook-up apps. For example, if someone has asked to see your dick pic, rather than being coy or ignoring the question, simply explain that you’d love to send them pics but can’t because of restrictions relating to your job or whatever. That then opens the door to talk about how else you might be able to progress the conversation but you’re running the risk that they’ll block you and you’ll need to continue your search elsewhere.

How Can I Keep it “Safe-for-Work” But Still Send Pics?

A common tactic is to send separate face photos from body photos. While a prominent tattoo or distinctive birthmark may give the game away if anyone was looking closely, keeping your face out of your nude photos can give you some plausible deniability if you need to try and distance yourself from any horny interactions on hook-up apps.

Try suggesting a video-call. While there’s still a risk that a video-call could be recorded, it’s an effective way of proving that you’re a real person and also giving them a preview of your body without giving them access to your private album. 

Do the call in your underwear and you’ll be able to showcase your bulge or give them a glimpse of every inch if there’s pressure to demonstrate if you’re cut versus uncut to get laid.

Do Photos Enhance My Shot At Getting Laid?

If your search for intimacy is focused on hook-up apps and online dating, then yes – photos are going to be valuable currency as you try and seal the deal with a guy that you want to get naked with.

Any photos are going to be better than no photos – it’s tough for a blank profile to get much action – but naked photos will be what guys are really wanting to see no matter how good your profile photo is on your account.

The psychology behind it is fairly simple – we want to see what’s on the menu. Sure, you could argue that part of the fun of getting to know someone is the excitement of undressing with them for the first time, but remember – this is how our communication has evolved, we are time-poor and transactionally focused. We need to make decisions fast and your dick pic is likely to be the deciding factor.

All photos taken from Selfie Help by Next Door Taboo, featuring Michael Jackman and Donte Thick.