If you’re trying to avoid the “party and play” scene, you might have identified hook-up apps as one of your triggers.
While deleting all the apps might be a good strategy to help you avoid the temptation of chemsex, it can make it difficult to connect with other guys. If you’re missing the intimacy that you used to find at house-parties and chill-out sessions, a sense of loneliness and isolation could contribute to a relapse and then you’re back where you started.
Obviously, you’ve got to navigate your own path as you try and minimise the harm associated with chemsex – you’ve got to figure out what works for you – but you may find these tips useful if you’re wondering how to use hook-up apps to connect with guys while avoiding the drugs.
What is chemsex?
Chemsex is where you use drugs to enhance your sexual experience. You might refer to it as PnP (party and play) or HnH (high and horny). The technical term is Sexualised Drug Use.
The drugs involved are usually methamphetamine, mephedrone, or GHB/GBL. These are drugs that fire up your libido, they help you lose your inhibitions, and they make you feel that you can have sex like a porn star.
The downsides of chemsex can include an increased risk of sexually transmitted infections, as well as wide-ranging health and social impacts. The drugs involved in Chemsex are highly addictive, and their use can sometimes lead to an endless chase of the next high and an unquenchable thirst for even more intense sexual satisfaction.
While the connection between drugs and sex is nothing new, the experience of chemsex seems to be a bit of a perfect storm – particularly for men who have sex with me.
In simple terms, the drugs are highly addictive, the drugs help us overcome our shame and internalised homophobia, the drugs help us experience intense sexual pleasure, and hook-up apps facilitate drug-fuelled encounters. At first, it feels amazing, but your life can quickly spiral out of control and suddenly everything is falling apart.
It’s not a straightforward addiction problem. It’s a complex combination of factors at play that means that traditional abstinence treatments and sobriety programmes are unlikely to be effective.
Is everyone having chemsex?
Initially, the experience of chemsex seemed to be confined to major metropolitan centres. But these days, wherever you are in the world, chems are probably going to feel a bit ubiquitous as you navigate your search for intimacy.
One of the interesting things about chemsex is that this is generally something that happens in private spaces, behind closed doors. Guys are taking these drugs either in their own home or at a private party or hook-up in someone else’s home.
Anecdotal evidence from healthcare specialists suggests that the lockdowns associated with the Covid-19 pandemic turbo-charged the interdependency between hook-ups, house-parties and chemsex.
How to search for sober sex
As you’re putting the technology to work and scanning your hook-up app to see if any guys nearby catch your attention, there’s a couple of obvious red-flags you should be steering clear of in your online search.
Hook-up apps do their best not to facilitate the promotion of drug-use, but if a guy has “PnP” or “HnH” somewhere in their bio – you know what they’re looking for.
The diamond emoji is frequently used to suggest the use of crystal meth, so that’s a bit of a giveaway. You’ll probably also want to avoid anyone who is talking about getting together to “party” or inviting a group of guys over for a “session” or to “chill”.
As well as doing your best to avoid any possible triggers or temptations, you can also be proactive – make it clear that you’re looking for sober sex, that you are actively avoiding drug-fuelled hook-ups.
You can do this by putting something in your bio on the app. Obviously, not everyone reads what’s in your bio so it’s a good idea to also be really upfront with it when you’re initiating a chat or responding to someone’s DM. “I’m looking for sober sex” dropped in early to a conversation clearly sets the tone and makes it clear what your boundaries are.
Did you consent to that?
One of the problematic aspects of having drug-fuelled sexual encounters – or being at a private party where the drugs are flowing and everyone is getting a bit loose – is that boundaries and judgement all tend to become a bit blurred.
Most guys who have used chems are likely to have incomplete memories of exactly what went down once the drugs came out.
If you are high on drugs that enable you to lose your inhibitions, how does that impact your ability to consent to who you have sex with and how you have sex with them? What responsibilities do we have to the men that we are sharing our chemsex encounters with? If you’re at a private chemsex party, what are the rules when it comes to consent?
We hear a lot of stories of people being filmed without realising that a camera was being pointed at them. Guys are being sexually assaulted but are reluctant to report the incident to the police because there were drugs involved. A come-down can leave us with a sickening feeling that we’ve probably done something we’re going to regret.
Do you need help to get your use of chems under control?
If you or someone you know is finding it difficult to manage their chemsex encounters, try to speak to drug and alcohol specialists who understand what chemsex is and the complexity involved.
Your local sexual health service will probably be able to refer you to an appropriate specialist, or search online for support services designed for men who are grappling with Chemsex issues.
