From language, limits and safewords, each situation has its own set of unique challenges
Credit: Indiana Joel/Xtra
This article by Devon Delacroix was originally published in Xtra Magazineas part of the Hard Labour column.
He’s tiny. About five feet tall, maybe an inch shorter.
He’s perched on the edge of the plush hotel bed, his feet dangling above the floor. He’s bald with thick glasses. His arms are stick-thin but his belly is round. His chin seems to blend into his chest, as if he has no vertebrae in his neck, and his body seems even smaller, curving forward as if the pronounced buffalo hump on his upper back is weighing him down.
One glance at his ravaged body instantly tells me he’s a long-term survivor of HIV, one of the few who made it through the early ’80s alive, wearing the scars of his battle as if they were armour.
I remember growing up in the ’80s; AIDS was all over TV. Images of ailing bodies being held or comforted were inter-spliced with commentators talking about quarantines or shipping people off to an island somewhere.
Long before I was cognisant of my own sexuality, I remember bullies taunting me with AIDS jokes; my penchant for Madonna and friendship bracelets was a dead giveaway for my looming queerness.
I didn’t get the jokes. I didn’t understand that AIDS was supposed to be a gay thing, and therefore someone saying you had AIDS was akin to them calling you a faggot. It was only when I got into my teens in the late ’90s that I started to connect the dots. By then, I wasn’t thinking so much about the reality of AIDS or my own frailty; it was something that had just sort of slipped into the background.
But here, confronted by the physical reality of the disease’s long-term effects, I’m reminded that it was just a stroke of luck that I was born when I was. If I’d come into the world two decades earlier, there’s no doubt in my mind I could be wearing the same battle scars as my trick.
He called me more than a week in advance to plan our meeting, saying he would be at a hotel downtown, but wasn’t sure which one it would be. I had assumed he would be visiting from out of town, but after seeing his condition and the impaired mobility associated with it, I realize he’s probably local but booked a hotel for safety.
The door was ajar when I arrived at his hotel room a few minutes earlier. I knocked before letting myself in and closed it behind me. He gives me a quick nod from the bed and then stares at the floor. Not sure what else to do, I sit in the chair a few feet away from him.
“So,” he says, after a minute of silence. “I should have told you that I’m HIV-positive. I know I should have told you. But I didn’t. If you want to leave, I understand. But I promise you that for everything else, I’m totally clean.”
“Don’t worry,” I say. “It’s fine. I have lots of clients . . . in your . . . situation.”
He perks up a bit when he realizes he’s not going to get rejected.
“Have you had some bad experiences with escorts?” I ask.
“A few,” he says. “And some good ones too. That’s why I booked the hotel room. Just to be safe.”
“Well, don’t worry,” I smile. “I’m not going to hurt you. Except in the ways you want me to.”
HIV-positive clients are not uncommon in the sex business. Some folks disclose their status upfront. Others don’t mention it, but you can surmise from the physical markers left by the infection. What’s interesting is that, unlike my current trick, most guys who disclose don’t seem to expect rejection, perhaps assuming someone in my position will be knowledgeable enough that they won’t run screaming from the room. Contrast that with disclosure conversations I’ve had with lovers, which can involve shaking hands, tears, and (in one case) two trips to the washroom to throw up before he finally got the words out.
In our conversation leading up to this encounter, he’s told me he wants a rape scene — specifically, a prison rape scene. Looking around the swanky, sprawling room that probably costs at least $300 a night, it’s hard to imagine it featuring as a convincing backdrop for a prison fantasy. But it’s the place he’s chosen so presumably he’s got a way to make it work for him.
Besides the rape-specific dialogue, the scenario is pretty ho-hum. He wants me to leave him alone in the room for a few minutes and then come back in and fuck him. He’s specified he probably won’t come or even get hard, so there’s no reason to bother with his dick.
I head to the bathroom, strip off my clothes and jerk my cock until it’s hard. My erection comes fast but I decide to leave him alone for an extra few minutes. Bottoms love to be kept waiting. It keeps them on their toes.
We haven’t established the specifics of the relationship between our characters, whether we know each other, if it’s the first time this is happening, or if it’s an ongoing pattern. But usually with complicated fantasies the back-story comes out as you go along, enough of it at least so you know who you’re pretending to be and what you’re pretending to do.
I walk back into the room, my feet padding noiselessly on the plush carpet. He’s lying on the bed, curled up in the fetal position, facing away from me and fully clothed. I come up behind him and grab his ass.
“Oh baby,” he says. “You’re not going to rape me are you?”
Straight in. Okay, I can work with that. But his tone is a little off. You don’t tend to use a term of endearment for someone you think is about to assault you.
I slide my hand down the back of his shorts and rub my finger along his hole, which it seems he’s lubed up in advance.
“Yeah bitch,” I say. “I’m gonna rape that ass.”
“No, baby,” he says. “Please don’t rape me.”
Every role-play situation has its own unique set of challenges. Figuring out the specific language that turns someone on is key. A client might like being called a cocksucker but hate being called a faggot. He might not want you to talk that much, offering nothing more than the occasional barked order or satisfied grunt. Or he might want a steady monologue repeating whatever words and phrases turn him on.
While you can lay out the other specifics of a scene in advance, such as limits and safewords, figuring out the dialogue is almost always something you have to do in the moment.
Your client might have instinctive responses to certain terms or modes of speech. But even though these things are key to his ability to get off, that doesn’t mean he’s able to articulate them or that he even knows what they are.
In this case, my trick wants to play out a fantasy of being raped. But, at least based on what he’s said so far, it seems as if I’m supposed to be someone he’s in a romantic relationship with.
I pull his shorts down a bit, exposing his ass and give him a little slap.
“I’m gonna fuck that ass . . . baby. And then if you’re good, I’m gonna share you with a few of the other guys.”
“No baby,” he says again. “Don’t let the other guys rape me.”
“Let me see that ass a little better,” I say.
I grab his hips and try to pull him to the edge of the bed, to make it easier for me to fuck him, but he doesn’t move. After trying to shift him a few times, I break character.
“I just need you to move a little closer to the edge,” I say, softly.
“Oh?” he says, lifting his head, straining to look over his shoulder at me.
“Yeah, if you can just bring your ass right to the edge of the bed, that would be great.”
He tries to shift his weight, but the mobility in his hips is highly impaired, making it hard to move around on the plush surface. Finally, I wrap my arm around his waist and heave his whole body towards me, leaving him to rest with his ass just hanging off the mattress.
“Alright bitch,” I say. “That’s better. Time to fuck that ass.”
“Please baby, don’t rape me,” he says.
By now my erection has subsided, so I start fingering his ass with one hand while stroking myself with the other, closing my eyes and flipping through my mental porn Rolodex for stimulation. When I’m hard again, I grab a condom from the pile he’s left on the side table, squirt some more lube over my dick and start to penetrate him. His body doesn’t flinch, but he lets out a little cry.
“Oh baby, please don’t rape me.”
“No bitch. I’m gonna rape you.”
“Baby, please don’t rape me.”
If I’m going to stay hard I need to zone out and ignore his mumblings. I close my eyes, grab his ass, and start thrusting in and out, muttering a continuous monologue to drown out his chatter.
My rhythm picks up and I start to fuck him harder, pulling almost all the way out before thrusting back in.
“Oh, ” he moans, his voice shuddering. “This is real rape. You’re really raping me. Why are you raping me? Please stop raping me.”
As I keep fucking him, his tone gradually escalates, getting louder and louder. If we were in a cheaper place, I might flip on the TV to cover the noise. But with higher-end hotels, the walls tend to be more solid. If you’re paying $300 for a bed, you don’t want to hear someone getting fucked in the next room.
I ease up my rhythm slightly and reach around to grab his cock. It’s tiny, probably an inch or two, and totally flaccid.
“I won’t get hard,” he blurts out, as I take it in my fingers.
“That’s okay . . . baby,” I say. “As long as I can fuck your ass.”
“Oh yes baby, fuck me,” he says.
I drop his cock, grab a hold of his hip again and keep fucking him. Despite what he said about his ability to get erect or ejaculate, he reaches down and starts playing with himself.
“That’s good baby,” I say. “Play with your cock while I rape you. That’s how I know you like it.”
“Oh yes baby,” he says. “I love it when you rape me like that.”
I continue to fuck him, but more gently, as his hand vibrates against his dick. He’s not hard at all but suddenly, without warning, he lets out a deep moan and a tiny trickle of white semen appears on the head of his cock.
I pull out and walk naked to the bathroom, roll the condom off and fold it into some toilet paper before tossing it in the garbage. I wash my dick in the sink, pat myself dry with a towel, pull on my underwear and grab my clothes.
I find him seated in his original position, perched on the end of the bed, his legs dangling, though now he’s looking up. I drop my clothes in a heap on the floor and begin to dress.
“Was that okay for you?” I ask.
“Oh yes,” he says, smiling. “Very good.”
Usually after a role-play scene, or any kind of BDSM really, I allot a little time for processing in case the person needs to talk about anything. After I’m dressed, I return to my seat in the chair and look up at him.
“So . . . do you do this kind of thing a lot?” I ask.
“I’ve tried it a few times,” he says. “It’s hard to find guys who are really good at the role-play part.”
He pauses.
“And it’s also hard to find guys who will be with you. When you look . . . like this.”
I nod, indicating understanding even though I don’t.
“Yeah,” I say. “I guess it must be difficult. And you —”
I pause, not knowing how much I should infer.
“You’ve been positive for a long time, I guess.”
“Yes,” he says softly. “But I survived.”
He smiles, momentarily, then sighs and looks back at the floor.
Questions flash through my mind. Is he the only one of his friends who survived? Does he feel lucky? Does he feel guilty? Is the rape fantasy connected to his diagnosis? To how he may have been infected? To a desire for intimacy he can’t have because of how he looks? Or am I looking for connections that don’t exist?
Rape fantasies are exceedingly common — in sex work, in porn, in real life. Despite my persistent tendency toward armchair psychoanalysis, there may be no deeper need being fulfilled here. This might just be what gets him off. The oddly romantic language he was using could suggest a desperate need for connection. But, like many clients who ask for roleplay, it could be something much more basic — he wants to live out a specific fantasy but lacks the “acting” skills needed to convincingly pull it off.
There are so many things I want to ask him. But I don’t. I’m not his therapist. Or his friend. And even though my dick has been inside of him, his life leading up to this moment isn’t actually any of my business. Instead we just sit together, wordlessly staring at the same spot on the floor. Finally, he breaks the silence.
“So, do you have any other clients today?”
“No,” I say. “Just heading home and then I’ll probably meet some friends later.”
“Okay,” he says. “Well, I’ll let you get going.”
“Right,” I say, realizing that he’s gently telling me to leave.
“Oh,” he says. “And your money is in the desk.”
I turn and open the drawer to find a fat white envelope, which I can tell just by feel has more than our agreed rate in it.
“Is this okay?” I say. “It’s not too much? I mean, it’s a lot.”
“It’s okay,” he says. “You did a good job.”
I walk over to him and plant a kiss on his forehead. He smiles and I give his shoulder a squeeze, before walking out the door and into the hallway.
BENTLEY RACE: It’s time to meet our cute new mate Nate Anderson. At the end of summer I got an email with a bunch of hot photos from this local boy. I had been looking for more guys to join us this year, and Nate looks perfect! After chatting about how the shoots work I got him over to the studio for a simple solo shoot. We got along really well and Nate’s first photos look great!
Nate is no shy boy. He grabbed out his thick uncut dick and worked it to full erection as I clicked away. I didn’t want him to get too excited yet. So I grabbed the video camera to capture our new mate shoving that fat cock into one of my lubed up fuck toys. I think Nate is going to make a great addition to our group of horny mates.
Marc Peridis is the Orgasmic Shaman. During lock-down, Marc has been running online classes in masturbation – helping guys to unlock the power of their orgasm.
I caught up with Marc to see if I could improve my technique.
Given that most men figure out how to masturbate through trial and error, is it likely that we’re learning bad techniques?
Not necessarily bad techniques, but it’s what I call pattern masturbation. What we’re doing is generally very restricted and very limited.
We tend to learn masturbation from an older brother, from friends, or by watching porn. I remember being nine or ten, watching porn and being scared and nervous – trying to get it done without being caught by my parents. I did get caught. Learning about masturbation in that way involves a lot of compression and tension.
Our masturbation experience tends to be very localised – generally just around the penis, sometimes around the anus, sometimes we touch our nipples.
Most of us masturbate while watching porn. Our eyes are looking ahead – at a screen or a phone or a device. It’s all very linear and it’s all very localised. That means we’re not very engaged at an integrated level – we’re not engaging the different parts of our body.
This kind of localised and limited and compressed masturbation has a localised effect on the brain. We develop a dependence on instant gratification. We want gratification now, and we want gratification in a very specific way.
To move beyond pattern masturbation, we need to retrain ourselves in how we jerk-off. The best way to do that is to integrate the full-body experience. Some people describe this as a full-body orgasm. We’re harnessing all of the energy of our body and unlocking our highest potential.
Masturbation isn’t something we often get to talk about with other guys – it’s generally a bit of a taboo topic. What generally leads guys to trying one of your masturbation sessions?
The current lock-down situation has meant that we’re all masturbating a lot, so that has put some focus on it. But it’s part of a general trend of guys wanting to get more out of their masturbation time.
For thousands of years, we’ve been taught that masturbation was wrong and that sex was wrong. I think that we’re turning a page – we’re reversing the damage that has been done – we’re allowing ourselves to really enjoy and receive our pleasure, and also to channel it towards our personal growth and being the best version of ourselves.
We’re starting to realise the importance of self-pleasuring – in terms of us trying to be a whole being. As men, we need to become better lovers to ourselves so that we can become better lovers to other people. Being more at one with ourselves means that when we’re with someone else, we can be more present. That’s a better experience for everybody – it’s deeper, richer, and a more intense sexual experience.
My workshops aren’t just about getting your rocks off, it’s about spiritual growth in a really pleasurable way.
Are there any simple techniques that we’d all benefit from, or is everyone different?
The first step is to understand your body – to get to know yourself. What does my body feel like? How open is my body? How receptive is my body? Do I ejaculate quickly or does it take some time? Do I have a bigger cock or a smaller cock? Is my cock sensitive or not?
When I’m working with men, that’s always the first thing we do – slow down and let’s get to know our bodies. That’s when we realise that everybody’s body is completely different.
Looking at my body, I have a very sensitive penis. I don’t have the biggest penis in the world. I’m uncut. For a long time, I didn’t think that I’d be able to teach Tantra – I’d be in classes and I’d constantly have to tell people to slow down. I had to learn how to put those boundaries up and tell people that they had to be a bit more gentle with me because I have a particularly sensitive penis.
A good friend of mine in Los Angeles teaches masturbation techniques that are 100 percent cock-based – purely focused on cock-strokes and edging techniques. He’s a great guy and I definitely recommend his work, but it’s not something that I’m particularly interested in. I’m not particularly cock-focused – I really enjoy engaging with my entire body.
It’s good to explore different techniques and explore what different people can teach you, but you’ve got to make time to listen to your body.
The number one tip that I give to guys is that when you’re in the middle of jacking off, make the time to slow down, tune into your body and see what your body wants. Does your body want you to keep tugging and pulling on your cock, or does it want to be caressed on the chest? Does it want you to pinch yourself, or spank yourself? Do you need lube? Do you not need lube?
The sensations our body experiences when we’re jerking off are arrows speaking to us. Those arrows are the key to a better connection with other people. We have to keep going back and listening to our body.
There’s an obvious physical difference between guys that are circumcised and guys that aren’t. Do you have to tailor your sessions to allow for this difference or is it just a case of some guys needing more lubrication?
It’s really down to everybody experimenting with their own penis.
There are Tantra practitioners who are cock experts, but for me it’s just important to really listen to your cock, to really touch it, to experiment, and to play with different things.
Let your body tell you what it wants and what it likes. It could be that you need more lube, it could be that you need something else.
Sometimes, I like to masturbate without touching my cock for a very long time – it gets me very hard.
Get to know your cock. Have a dialogue with your cock. Engage with your cock. Love your cock.
How often should we be masturbating?
There’s not really any right or wrong answer to this. Once a day? Twice a day? What matters is building a practice that feeds you and nourishes you.
You need to be intuitive enough to know the difference between whether it’s nourishing you or taking you away from something else that you should be doing. If you’re spending so much time using porn or masturbating that you’re not getting other things done or lacking sleep, then that might be a concern.
I’m definitely a fan of ejaculation. I like to ejaculate every day. But I’ve been in that situation where I’ve been using a lot of porn and masturbating a lot – my penis would hurt and I wouldn’t want to have sex with my partner. We’ve got to listen to our body.
I do believe that everyone should have a self-pleasuring session at least once a day. I’d suggest going for at least 40 minutes to an hour, at least once a day. Maybe not ejaculating every day – maybe holding it and ejaculating every second day – but that’s just personally what I believe should be a minimum.
For the guys that join one of your sessions, what’s the main thing that you want them to get out of the workshop?
I love it when people have an amazing experience. Where they feel that they connected to something greater – that they felt like they connected to a greater dimension or a parallel universe, or another state of being – where they realise that they’re more than they thought they were.
The main thing that I want guys to feel is that something has substantially changed in their life. Whether that’s the way that they see life, the way they see themselves, or the way they feel their power.
Simple pleasure is great, and owning your pleasure is great, but what I’m after is sustainable growth. When people start to get that, that makes me really fucking hard. When guys email me to tell me how my workshops have helped them make changes or see things differently, that makes me really fucking hard – I could blow my load reading those emails.
SEAN CODY: Chris and Sean Cody new-cummer Jay are dressed for a day at the beach in tank tops and brightly colored shorts, but as they kiss passionately it’s not long before they’re UNdressed for a day at the nude beach! « You like that? » Chris asks, sucking Jay’s hard cock just right. « I love your mouth, » Jay tells him, before he just has to fuck Chris doggystyle. The hard ebony bottom rides Chris’s cock and asks for him to pound that hole even harder before he explodes, then sucks every last drop of cum from Jay’s dick.
??? @Sean_Cody_Com video: Porn newcomer Jay fucks the cum out of Chris
