While we’re all in favour of a good gay dating app to meet guys – let’s be real, how else are we going to line up hot and horny hookups – the integration of technology into our sex lives seems to be having some unintended consequences.
Although much of our evidence has been gathered from hanging out in bars, flirting at the gay cruising club, and chats with the regulars at our local gay cruising spot, our research suggests that hook-up app culture is reshaping how we connect and interact with each other in real life.
Is this a problem? Let’s get into it.
Why talk about gay dating and hookup etiquette in 2026?
Full disclosure – we’ve got a vested interest in online dating. We’re Squirt.org – we pay our bills by helping guys connect through our gay dating and gay chat platform.
But we’re also part of the queer community – always have been, always will be. We want to help men use the technology to find the intimacy that we all need. We want to help men have great sex. We want to help men have the sex that they want to have.
What we’re hearing is that queer men seem to be blurring the distinction between online behaviour and real-life behaviour.
What that could look like – in simple terms – is that the more transactional approach to hooking up that we see in online spaces is starting to feel like the norm, even when you’re face-to-face with someone who you might be interested in getting naked with.
This can leave everyone involved feeling awkward, frustrated, and isolated.
We hear a lot about the male loneliness epidemic – awkward in-person interactions are a symptom of that. If you’re struggling to connect with other guys in real-life situations, you soon stop trying and you retreat to online spaces where you feel safer navigating your virtual connections.
What can we do about it? Hook-up app culture is learned behaviour. We can choose to behave differently. That’s easier said than done, but here’s some suggestions on how to regain control and more effectively connect with guys in real life.
1. Get Back Your Casual Confrontation Skills
No matter who you are – a gay dude, a bisexual man, or a horny straight guy – you’ve probably been ghosted by someone that you thought you’d made a solid online connection with.
Being on the receiving end of the block option on gay dating sites can feel brutal, but somehow it’s better than being ghosted – the guy you were chatting with has just vanished and you’re left wondering if you’ve said something wrong or unintentionally revealed a deal-breaking red flag.
Hook-up app culture has taught us how to read ghosting behaviour. A no-reply means no, right?
But what if you’re encountering ghosting in the real world? You invite your friends to meet up for birthday drinks – if they don’t bother to reply, is that just their way of declining? Your ex suggests meeting up for brunch – if you don’t reply, will he get the message?
Regain Control
If you feel like someone is ghosting you in real life, don’t be passive about it. Communicate clearly what your expectations are. If someone isn’t responding to you in a meaningful way, it’s okay to point that out.
A direct approach is generally best. “Hey, it feels like you’re ghosting me…” is a straightforward way of calling out the behaviour in a non-aggressive way.
The alternative of “if I don’t hear back from you then I’ll assume you can’t make it” is a bit passive-aggressive and enables the behaviour that’s annoying you.
2. Reading the Room on Your Sexual Escapades
Do you feel uncomfortable when your friends are talking about their sex-lives? Does it feel like every conversation that you have revolve around gay threesomes, orgies, and gay sex parties?
It’s not that it’s bad to talk about sex but it’s the way that we’re talking about sex. Hook-up app culture has taught us that sexual encounters are currency. If we’re having a lot of sex then that’s validation. Being desired is how we measure our worth. Our self-esteem is driven by our load-count.
If all your friends want to talk about is how many guys they’ve fucked, how many orgies they’ve been invited to, how many pump-and-dump notches on their belt they’ve collected, it’s a flex. It’s a way of reassuring themselves that their sexual currency validates their place in the world. It’s not an authentic conversation – it’s a one-way broadcast to try to numb the gnawing uncertainty about their purpose in life.
Regain Control
Don’t try and stop your friends talking about their sexual conquests – let them get their validation – but add some reflective questions into the conversation. A simple “how did that make you feel?” can direct the load-count bragging into a more authentic space.
Avoid any sense of competition with your friends. If they’re having a lot of sex, that’s great, but look for opportunities to remind them that you value their friendship beyond the hyper-sexual exploits that they’re broadcasting on social media.
It can feel like hard work and you may find that some of your friends are determined to be basic fuck-boys, but if you allow yourself to be vulnerable with your friends you may be able to demonstrate to them that it’s safe for them to be vulnerable with you.
3. Revive Your Gay Cruising Skills and Flirting Techniques
Old-school cruising relies on eye-contact and body-language. But walk in to any bar, club or gay circuit party and you’ll pretty much everyone is on their phone. Not only are they on their phone looking at whatever, they’re generally scrolling through their hook-up app swiping on profile pics instead of trying to make a connection with the guys that they’re in the room with. We’re losing the culture of gay cruising language.
Your phone becomes a barrier to everyone around you. You may see it as a coping mechanism for your social anxiety, but it only serves to further isolate you and undermine your confidence.
Regain Control
Set yourself some limits. It makes sense to check your apps on arrival at a venue – maybe one of your regular fuck-buds is there or someone that you’ve been chatting with. Once you’ve got all of the information that you need from your phone, put it away.
Position yourself in spaces that facilitate interaction with others. Standing at a bar is a great way to meet guys. The queue for the toilet is a classic.
Challenge yourself to make eye contact with other guys. You don’t have to say anything to them – let your body do the talking. Avoid giving off serial-killer vibes by smiling with your eyes – smizing is the industry term for it.
Don’t overthink it. If a guy that you’re into doesn’t respond to the signals that you’re sending, it’s not the end of the world. Your self-worth is not measured by how many dicks you’ve sucked on a night out.
