If you’ve grown up in the age of smart-phones, your formative experiences of connecting with other guys have probably been via hook up apps and online dating.
While location-based technology has been a game-changer when it comes to finding guys near you who are looking for some action, it can leave us feeling a little unsure of ourselves when it comes to trying to get a guy’s attention when we’re in-person in the real world.
That’s what gay cruising is. Using your body language, making eye-contact, and reading the unspoken signals that guys send to each other to determine if they’re on the same page and up for some fun.
If your social anxiety is cock-blocking your attempts at cruising, the gay guys at Reddit are here to help. Reddit user @noparkinghere began the thread, asking /r/AskGaybrosOver30: “What’s some cruising etiquette that every cruiser should know?”
Here’s our summary of the discussion.
1. The “Stop Light” System for Consent at Bathhouses and Saunas
We’ve never really consciously thought about this but it instinctively makes sense – the way that you’ve positioned your towel while you’re in a bathhouse can send clear signals about cruising.
Putting it into traffic-light terms, if your towel is wrapped tightly round your body, that’s transmitting a Red Light signal that you’re not interested in any interaction.
If your towel is wrapped loosely around your body, that’s transmitting an Amber signal – it’s not definitely a no but it’s not definitely a yes.
If the guy’s towel is open, that’s transmitting a Green Light signal that it’s game-on.
While that all makes sense in theory, you’d be advised not to interpret these signals too literally.
For example, user Certain-Wrangler562 writes: “Towel signals aren’t a thing as far as willingness to participate goes. Some guys will wear their whole towel the whole time, some will whip it off when they sit down or enter a steam room, others will flip it over their shoulder and roam naked. This is more of an indication of wanting to show off (not necessarily hook up) or body confidence. Most guys aren’t trying to cruise everyone. They’ll use more directed signals like eye contact, sitting beside someone, turning their body to face them, or starting to play with their nipples or dick. If they’re indiscriminate, they’ll get in a sling with their face covered or go face down arse up on a surface.”
2. Communication & Signals
Most cruising is non-verbal but that opens the door to potential confusion or mixed messages.
If you think you’re getting positive signals from a guy, deploy some affirming moves to be clear that you’re on the same page.
This could include making eye-contact and nodding at him, opening your towel and letting him see every inch of you, let him see that you’re aroused, and tweak your nipples or stroke your cock.
If you’ve given him your full arsenal of affirmations and he’s returning the vibe, then you’re good to go. If he’s not returning your signals and you’re still unsure if he’s into it, then you should assume that it’s a non-starter and turn your search elsewhere.
3. Eye Contact, Eye Contact, Eye Contact
Experienced cruisers will tell you that connecting with guys is all about eye contact.
You don’t want to go around staring at dudes like you’re a serial killer, but making direct eye contact with a man lets him know that he’s got your attention.
User Spader623 recommends: “Not even sustained eye contact but multiple ‘breaking then checking again’ [sic]. I usually give it about 3 goes just to be super sure then I have a solid idea.”
4. Physical Boundaries & Touching
It’s important to recognise that different guys will have different thresholds about personal space. It could be a cultural thing or just that some guys are less open to touch than others.
Navigating consent to initiate touch can all be done non-verbally, but make sure that you’re getting a clear green-light signal from him before you start putting your hands on his body.
Further complicating the dynamic in sex-on-premises venues such as bathhouses or public spaces such as cruising grounds is that some guys might really get off on being watched but may not be interested in anyone touching them.
Use your body language to make your intentions clear and look for clear affirmation that he’s into what you’re offering.
5. Find Yourself In the Usual Stomping Grounds
Part of the thrill of cruising is finding sexual encounters in unexpected or unlikely places. However, you can reduce your risks if you focus your cruising energies in spaces where it’s known that cruising happens.
For example, if you’re in a bathhouse, no one is going to be surprised that you’re sending cruising signals their way.
If you’re in the gym locker-room, not everyone is going to be tuned in to your loose towel and eye-contact in the mirror.
User Mark_M_in_SF shares his experience: “Even at my overwhelmingly gay gym (like 95% gay men) I’d never assume anything particular from how a towel was worn. Some guys walk around butt naked and it doesn’t mean anything except that they’re entirely comfortable with nudity.”
Use Squirt.org and the Cruising Listings to find the hot-spots for man-on-man action near you.
6. Just Because It’s Public, Doesn’t Mean An Audience is Welcomed
Part of the complexity of male sexuality is that not everyone approaches the same situations in the same way or with the same intentions.
Some exhibitionists want you to look but not touch, other exhibitionists my want your hands all over them.
The same goes for public sex. Just because a couple of guys are naked and having sex in a relatively public place, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they want you to watch – but it might. Also, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they want you to join in, but it might.
You need to be aware that your intentions or expectations may not match with others. Proceed slowly and look for non-verbal cues that transmit positive or negative vibes.
If you’re the new arrival at an encounter, do the guys make eye contact with you or give you any encouragement? How do they respond when you drop your towel? How do they respond when you stroke your cock? How do they respond when you move a bit closer?
Don’t be upset or offended if you don’t receive a positive response to your affirmation signals, it just means that you’re not on the same page and that it’s time to look elsewhere.
It’s all part of the adventure that is man-on-man cruising.
