As part of our partnership with harm-reduction charity, Controlling Chemsex, we sat down with Alejandro and he shared his story with us.
**Trigger warning: This article discusses drug-use and sexual assault.
“It was three years ago when I moved to London – I was 22. I wanted to come to London and experience London life. I wanted to enjoy myself. I wanted to have fun.”
“I’ve always been a sociable person – I’ve always made friends easily – but when I came to London, I didn’t know anyone.”
“I arrived in London on a Friday at 2 PM. I opened Grindr. By 10 PM, I was at a chill-out in a house with about 12 other guys.”
“I’d been offered drugs before, but I’d never wanted to touch it. But on that day, my first day in London, all the guys that were there were doing it, and I said yes.”
“That night, I took mephedrone and GHB. They gave me the drugs for free. I was awake for about two days, just going from one house to another. I had sex with a porn-star. I felt amazing. I felt empowered.”
“The next weekend, I went out and was again offered drugs. It just kind of snowballed from there. The drugs were everywhere and readily available. You’d go for a drink in Soho – one drink would lead to another, and then someone would offer you drugs. Finding a drug dealer in London is easy – they’re like kebab shops, one on every corner.”
“Then, the crystal meth started.”
“This was about two months after I’d moved to London. I’d been out in Soho with a friend, we ended up at G-A-Y and someone offered me mephedrone. After that, I found a guy on Grindr and went home with him.”
“When we got to his place, he was doing meth. He gave me a blow-back, then I decided to try it with a pipe. It was so intense – it was next-level.”
“He invited more guys over and we did more meth. At some point, they gave me too much G and I pretty much passed out. I remember someone filming me while the other guys were fucking me.”
“That same night, I went home with one of the guys that was there – back to his place. I spent three days with him and his friends – sleeping, taking pills, getting high. They raped me again, filming it while they raped me.”
“That was my first experience of meth – of Tina. The comedown from that first time was the worst feeling that I’ve ever had in my life – physically horrible, my body felt like it was shutting down.”
“This will sound weird, but that was the beginning of the best time of my life. Sure, I had been robbed, I had been raped, I had been filmed without my consent, but I was really living the London life. I was going out, dancing, smoking Tina – it was amazing.”
“I started escorting – I put myself out there on rent-boy websites. Most of the guys that booked me wanted to do chems with me. I was getting sex, money, and drugs – it was perfect.”
“I felt seen, understood, and wanted. Mixing sex with these drugs makes you feel like the king of the world. It’s hard to explain, but I couldn’t get enough, I was never satisfied.”
“I was still working full-time during all of this – I was hiding my addiction from everyone, but as time went by I was feeling increasingly empty inside.”
“I never imagined this existence. Crystal meth is a powerful and intense drug, but it’s not just the drug – it’s everything that goes with it. I was once at a party – there were 40 guys in a house. There were people passed out while getting fucked, there were people vomiting, there were people hallucinating or crippled by paranoia. It sounds like it’s made up but it’s what happens. I don’t think people realise what really happens.”
“At chill-outs, it’s a sexual environment but sex isn’t happening all of the time. I talk a lot. I would talk with everyone, hearing their stories. A lot of people are doing chems to escape some sort of trauma, or because they feel lonely or isolated – just to escape everything, I guess. Chems is a way of blocking out that emptiness that we have inside of us.”
“I knew that I needed to stop. I was missing days at work. I was always tired. I wasn’t eating. I was constantly testing positive for STIs. I was twice admitted to hospital – the suicidal thoughts were getting the better of me.”
“I searched online for what support was available. I’d also talk with guys at chill-out parties who were trying to get help with their use of chems – that’s how I heard about Controlling Chemsex.”
“I’ve now been sober for 100 days. Every day is a battle. I’m still not very confident that I won’t relapse. Special occasions can be tough – especially if you’re feeling isolated. I don’t speak with my parents, I had a very traumatic childhood. Sometimes you just want to escape all of that. You lie to yourself – you convince yourself that you don’t care if you lose everything.”
“I’ve had to change my social life, my friends. To stay sober, you have to surround yourself with different people – you can’t meet up with the people that you did drugs with. I deleted Grindr.”
“If I’m going out, I set limits for myself. I take a set amount of cash, not a card. I drink singles not doubles. You have to think about where you are going out, and who you are going out with.”
“I’m learning which coping mechanisms work for me – to help me stay away from chems. I’m creating healthy habits – I’m going to the gym and giving myself space to embrace my feelings sober.”
“I’m looking at the future with no fear. My goal is to stay clean.”
If you or someone you know is struggling with issues surrounding the use of chems, contact Controlling Chemsex for free, confidential advice and support.
A slippery slope. Disappointing how many guys are into pnp. I like natural highs.