The Laird: Melbourne, Australia’s Hottest Gay Bar & Guesthouse


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I spotted a naked man in the lounge area as I went to get a morning coffee. 

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He was a big, furry guy with a nice smile. I smiled back at him and apologized for not being nude.

“That’s easy to fix, mate,” he said, coming over to wrap his arms around me while pulling down my shorts. He kissed me, and I kissed him back, then he went down on his knees and took the head of my stiffening cock into his mouth. 

He swirled his tongue around it before taking it deep. I leaned back against the counter, enjoying it as he took me balls deep, grunting with pleasure as the head of my prick hit the back of his throat. We were both lost in the moment when the electric kettle started whistling. 

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We paused our sensual coupling only long enough for me to unplug the kettle; the idea of another now replaced my morning caffeine rush as I swiftly moved along back to my new friend’s room.

Once we closed the door and moved towards the bed, my furry companion dove right back onto my stiff cock, sucking it with obvious relish. We were on the big bed, him between my legs, and soon his mouth wandered down further from my dick, and he began to eagerly lick my hole, alternating between rimming me and sucking on my cock to my absolute delight.

It didn’t take much before I felt that release was imminent. 

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“Oh god, I’m about to cum!” 

Only seconds later, I sprayed hot jizz into his mouth; my load overflowing from his lips, dripping down onto my stomach as I spasmed and twitched while he licked up every single drop. He rapidly jerked his thick cock, his mouth busy, but his eyes looked up at me, expertly exclaiming his delight and pleasure as he shot his hot cum all over me.  


My morning blowjob was only the beginning of my stay at The Laird, the hottest gay Melbourne guesthouse I had the pleasure of staying at (and a warm, milky welcome it was!). My flight had arrived late the previous night, and I had been shown to my room by one of the Laird staff members, who had been closing the downstairs bar. 

I didn’t get a chance to explore the evening activities of The Laird, coming late from the airport, but this was soon rectified that next morning with me cumming hard and unexpectantly with another guest. I knew that morning, The Laird was already seeing quite a high bar for the horny adventure I hoped for coming to Melbourne.

What is Melbourne, Australia, Like?

Melbourne, Australia, is a cosmopolitan metropolis with over five million people, and the Laird in Abbotsford is the funky heart of its gay and bohemian community. 

In the centre of this colourful area, the Laird is the oldest gay bar in the country, with more than drinks to offer. It opened as a hotel/bar in 1847 as the Laird O’Cockpen Hotel and has undergone many transformations. It became a gay bar in 1980. 

Upstairs from the bar and sprawling beer garden are six guest rooms for those who like their fun close at hand. Three have private bathrooms, and the others share toilet and shower facilities.

I had reserved a room with a shared bath, being budget-conscious. Each spacious room has a big comfy bed, ideal for entertaining one, two, or three gentleman visitors. The rooms and the entire hotel and bar are decorated with sexy gay art, including some local originals selected from the Laird’s annual erotic art exhibit and competition and, of course, good old Tom of Finland: our mascot and idol in sex and sleaze and gay cruising!

gay hairy muscle hunk illustration ripping open his shirt to reveal his chest and nipples and pecs with the red typeface manspace
via Andy Oh
framed photos of tom of finland illustrations hanging on the wall of the laird guesthouse in melbourne australia
via Andy Oh

What else should I know about the guest rooms at The Laird in Melbourne?

Adding to the seductive atmosphere, the rooms all have flatscreen televisions tuned to 24 hours-a-day gay porn to get you in the mood or help with the foreplay if you find a fellow at the coffee bar like I did. 

The rooms and lounge area are finished in cozy wood panelling, giving the guesthouse a warm rustic charm.

wall art on the wood panelling and walls of The Laird gueshouse and gay bar in melbourne australia
via TripAdvisor
picture of the bed and the private bathroom in a private guestroom in the laird gay guesthouse and bar in melbourne, australia
via TripAdvisor

I stayed for a week this winter and had more fun than I ever expected as I explored the city’s attractions and the attractions of my fellow guests. Though I never saw any other guys going naked, that should not be a problem on the second floor in the guest room area, as this section of The Laird is designated as men only, and the residential area is behind locked doors for the security (and sexiness) of the guests.

In the bar, I saw some kissing, groping, touching and petting in darker corners of the pub’s beer garden area, but this was as discreet as possible. Pub customers know it is not a sex club, and this playful behaviour hardly qualifies as lewd.

What is the neighbourhood near The Laird Gay Guesthouse Like?

The Abbotsford district of Melbourne is a neighbourhood of many restaurants, hotels/pubs, and gay bars. It is also a block from Colwood Station of Melbourne’s efficient and easy-to-use metro. Victoria Street, a five-minute walk, has many shops, services, and restaurants, including dozens of Thai, Korean, Japanese, and other Asian restaurants.

On my first day in the city, I took the metro to the Melbourne Skydeck, an observation platform on the 88th floor of a building with apartments on the lower levels. At a height of 297 metres or 975 feet, the views of the city are great, and the experience gave me an overview of Melbourne’s layout. 

An unexpected show was the appearance outside the glass of a window washer on a precarious platform. I was glad to be inside enjoying a glass of Australian Chardonnay and not swaying in the breeze dizzyingly high up. 

After riding the speedy elevator back down almost 1,000 feet to street level, I headed for the museum district. I looked at some great art from around the world and across human history, then down the street to a museum of  Australian-only art. The unique works in the traditional Aboriginal styles and modern evolutions captivated me for a couple of hours. Also on display are some unambiguously gay-themed artworks, including one collage that incorporates a dildo. 

gay art and design with gears and beads and beaded dildo found in melbourne, australia
via Andy Oh

Afterwards, it was time for lunch at a terrace cafe along the shores of Melbourne Harbour in a new area of fantastic modern architecture called The Docklands.

What night events does The Laird bar present to visitors and patrons?

When I finally returned that evening, the Laird bar was filling rapidly. Even if you aren’t staying at the guesthouse, this local bar is a staple in the community and attracts many locals looking for fun. 

That night at The Laird, they featured a “Mooning” event where contestants presented their bare asses to the audience through a hole in a barrier on stage, so they could remain anonymous if they chose to. 

Over the next hour, I saw how hugely popular the event was, presided over by a hilarious master of ceremonies cracking jokes and dispatching hecklers as he introduced the competing asses. The event was a fundraiser for the David Willians Fund in support of people living with HIV, so even with the fun happening, it was great to see queer advocacy that we love to see a community.

The night attracted more and more excited guys to the bar, and the significant part of staying at The Laird was that if you found a local hottie you wanted to drag upstairs, you could. Or, if you were like me that night, and you want to take a break from the crowded bar, you can retreat upstairs, pour yourself a glass of wine from the bottle in your room and settle in front of the television in the lounge area, hoping for some company from fellow room guests. 

Switching through the porn, I eventually turned the lounge’s television to an old movie, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, which I had seen before. After sightseeing and a glass of wine, I soon fell into a restful sleep. 

A neighbour from the room down the hall gently woke me. I had noticed him earlier that day, a shaved-head mid-40s guy with a buff body and a handsome face.

“Are you alright?” he asked me softly, touching my shoulder. 

“Yes, thanks. You’re kind for asking,” I said, and as I responded, he took his hand in mine. Almost as if still in a very sexy dream, my new pal quickly joined me on the sofa, and we started to kiss. 

I felt his cock press against my thigh, getting big and hard, and I soon felt my dick get harder through my shorts. My new mate undid my shirt and pulled my shorts down, caressing my ass and rubbing my now quite hard dick. 

I was tugging at his pants as we kissed, and he led the way to his room and guided me to the bed. He peeled off his t-shirt and pants and presented his 8-inch rock-hard cock to my face. 

Eagerly, I gave the big, red head of his dick a slow licking, then slid my tongue down the thick veiny shaft before taking him all the way down into my throat, choking a little as he shoved it into me. He got on the bed, on top of me, never taking his cock out of my mouth, and soon, we were in a 69 position. 

Now, his incredibly hard and wet dick in my mouth left him with no choice but the intense urge to face fuck me while sucking my cock. The way his cock curved upwards, he went down my throat beautifully, as if it always belonged there, tickling the back of my horny throat. 

Then, my anonymous hookup pulled me forward to lick my hole. I paused for a moment, sucking him just long enough to reposition and give him better access before again wolfing his big dick back down in my mouth. 

He alternated licking my hole with putting in a finger, then two fingers, until finally, he reached over to grab a condom and a tube of lube. 

Moving in between my legs, he unrolled the condom, lubed it and rubbed some onto my hole, then pressed the tip of his prick into me, slowly pushing until he was all the way. I moaned with a little bit of discomfort until I felt his dick hit the magic position inside me.

He rested there inside me for a moment, and I could feel his heartbeat as blood pulsed, throbbing through the veins of his cock. I squeezed my ass around him, and he began to pump slowly in and out. Each time he thrust in, I squeezed my hole around him, trying to keep him there a little longer. We were fucking in synch, him thrusting in, me opening my hole to receive his hot cock, then tightening around him before he pulled back out. 

I happily got caught in the moment, but I could feel our pace getting faster and faster, and I knew I would cum soon, but he beat me to it, grunting and gasping as he pounded me a final couple of thrusts, triggering my own gush of cum to spray over both of us. 

Soon, we were covered in each other’s jizz, also plastered with huge smiles as we maintained eye contact before looking down at the sticky blissful mess we left on ourselves and the bed sheets.

We held each other close and breathed into each other’s mouths, slowing until we recovered our breath from the rowdy encounter. Soon, we got up and shared a quick shower, got dressed and wandered back down to the bar where the “Mooning” show had finished and with it, about half the crowd was gone, leaving a quieter space to enjoy each other’s company and have a conversation. His name was Daniel, and he was from Canberra.

Like me, he stayed the whole week at the Laird. We toasted our new friendship and agreed to meet at the bar tomorrow evening before calling it a night and heading to our rooms. I went to bed quickly, not only tired from a long, fruitful day about town but from another happy intimate encounter with a cutie like Daniel, continuing to prove my theory that a stay at The Laird means a promised horny good time.

What Else is There to Do and See in Melbourne, Australia as a gay tourist?

There’s always something going on at the Laird. The calendar of events includes Monday night underwear parties, pool tournaments, trivia nights, fetish nights, Saturday dance and karaoke, Sunday socials, and Bear Den nights. 

Some special events, like the Mooning night, charge an entry fee ($30), but guests of the upstairs rooms get in free.

If the busy roster of fun at the Laird is not enough for you, Melbourne’s other gay venues are not far away. One night, I went strolling with my new hookup and friend, Daniel, who happened to know all the gay spots. 

We dropped in on four places, all empty at first, but as soon as we entered a spot, the club filled up, as if someone had pressed a button and summoned a geyser of hot guys just for us! Seeing all types of cute guys dancing, posing, kissing, and hugging was a delight.

The Laird is Melbourne’s longest-established gay bar. It attracts all types of guys and has constant great events on offer. However, The Peel has three bars, a dancefloor and a courtyard. Special events include drag queen shows and DJs. It is open on Fridays and Saturdays.

DT’s Pub is like an ordinary pub, except it is all for gays. It has a patio with karaoke and DJ nights. It is located at 164 Church St., Richmond, Melbourne.

The 86 is a cabaret bar in the gay village. The stage has weekly drag queen and “boylesque” shows. There is also a dance floor and pizza on the menu. 185 Smith Street, Fitzroy, Melbourne.

HomoErotica is a gay dance club with themed parties as well as go-go boys. 60 King St. Melbourne

Poof Doof: A gay dance club in the South Yarra district. Electro-house music sets a frenetic pace for dancing into a sexy trance.

Where Can I Find Gay Saunas and Sex Spots in Melbourne, Australia?

If you’re looking to get into some gay sauna fun in Melbourne, Subway Sauna is open 24 hours a day. This gay sauna has a steam room, dry sauna, large jacuzzi, dark room, maze, and 30 play cabins. Massage service is also available. Wet on Wellington is known as the city’s most prominent gay sauna, with a rooftop terrace, outdoor pool, large hot tub, sauna, maze playrooms and cabins, and massage services. Peninsula Sauna is half an hour south of Melbourne Central. This place has a steam room, a large jacuzzi, a maze and darkroom, a gym, 15 cabins, and a cafe with light refreshments.

Other Fun in Melbourne

The Melbourne Museum is located at 11 Nicholson Street in the Carlton district. It displays natural and cultural history, from fossilized dinosaurs to botany and zoology, ancient Aboriginal artifacts, pioneer settlements, and modern technology.

The National Gallery of Victoria is in two separate buildings, one for international art and the other for Australian art. The collection includes paintings, sculptures, fashion, and architecture from ancient times until modern creations. The Australian collection includes some awesome Aboriginal work from modern artists. Federation Square, Flinders Street.

The Australian Centre for the Moving Image near the two art galleries in Federation Square has interactive displays celebrating the world of films, television, video games, and digital culture. See props and displays from famous Australian movies and television shows. Federation Square, Flinders Street.


On my last night at the Laird, I spotted Daniel sitting close to a handsome twink. I thought that three was a crowd until Daniel waved me over.

“Meet Noah,” he said, “This is Andy, who I was telling you about.”

As we talked, and as we moved closer, stroking thighs and touching arms, we soon were making out; a passionate three-way make-out session appeared from a pleasant conversation, soon becoming heavy petting that demanded a bit more privacy from the public guest spaces.

I invited them to my room to take our play to the next level in privacy and comfort. Noah’s slender, smooth body and cute face and thick, sensual lips were asking for my cock. While Daniel lubed up a condom and lubed Noah’s hole, I pushed the tip of my cock into the twink’s mouth. We pumped him from both ends and then Daniel and I took turns sucking Noah’s cock, our tongues and mouths pushing to pleasure him further and further until he started moaning. Soon, Noah squealed with glee, his orgasm gushing cum, all over Daniel and me, as well as soaking my bedsheets. 

On this last night at The Laird, I was happy to share my bed and to share this moment with two gorgeous men, knowing I couldn’t imagine a perfect farewell to Melbourne if I tried.


Andy Oh lives near Vancouver, BC. He frequently travels the world searching for sensual delights to share with his readers. He is Urplaypal on, and you can reach him at

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