If you’re trying to avoid the “party and play” scene, you might have identified hook-up apps as one of your triggers.
While deleting all the apps might be a good strategy to help you avoid the temptation of chemsex, it can make it difficult to connect with other guys. If you’re missing the intimacy that you used to find at house-parties and chill-out sessions, a sense of loneliness and isolation could contribute to a relapse and then you’re back where you started.
Obviously, you’ve got to navigate your own path as you try and minimise the harm associated with chemsex – you’ve got to figure out what works for you – but you may find these tips useful if you’re wondering how to use hook-up apps to connect with guys while avoiding the drugs.
What is chemsex?
Chemsex is where you use drugs to enhance your sexual experience. You might refer to it as PnP (party and play) or HnH (high and horny). The technical term is Sexualised Drug Use.
The drugs involved are usually methamphetamine, mephedrone, or GHB/GBL. These are drugs that fire up your libido, they help you lose your inhibitions, and they make you feel that you can have sex like a porn star.
The downsides of chemsex can include an increased risk of sexually transmitted infections, as well as wide-ranging health and social impacts. The drugs involved in Chemsex are highly addictive, and their use can sometimes lead to an endless chase of the next high and an unquenchable thirst for even more intense sexual satisfaction.
While the connection between drugs and sex is nothing new, the experience of chemsex seems to be a bit of a perfect storm – particularly for men who have sex with me.
In simple terms, the drugs are highly addictive, the drugs help us overcome our shame and internalised homophobia, the drugs help us experience intense sexual pleasure, and hook-up apps facilitate drug-fuelled encounters. At first, it feels amazing, but your life can quickly spiral out of control and suddenly everything is falling apart.
It’s not a straightforward addiction problem. It’s a complex combination of factors at play that means that traditional abstinence treatments and sobriety programmes are unlikely to be effective.
Is everyone having chemsex?
Initially, the experience of chemsex seemed to be confined to major metropolitan centres. But these days, wherever you are in the world, chems are probably going to feel a bit ubiquitous as you navigate your search for intimacy.
One of the interesting things about chemsex is that this is generally something that happens in private spaces, behind closed doors. Guys are taking these drugs either in their own home or at a private party or hook-up in someone else’s home.
Anecdotal evidence from healthcare specialists suggests that the lockdowns associated with the Covid-19 pandemic turbo-charged the interdependency between hook-ups, house-parties and chemsex.
How to search for sober sex
As you’re putting the technology to work and scanning your hook-up app to see if any guys nearby catch your attention, there’s a couple of obvious red-flags you should be steering clear of in your online search.
Hook-up apps do their best not to facilitate the promotion of drug-use, but if a guy has “PnP” or “HnH” somewhere in their bio – you know what they’re looking for.
The diamond emoji is frequently used to suggest the use of crystal meth, so that’s a bit of a giveaway. You’ll probably also want to avoid anyone who is talking about getting together to “party” or inviting a group of guys over for a “session” or to “chill”.
As well as doing your best to avoid any possible triggers or temptations, you can also be proactive – make it clear that you’re looking for sober sex, that you are actively avoiding drug-fuelled hook-ups.
You can do this by putting something in your bio on the app. Obviously, not everyone reads what’s in your bio so it’s a good idea to also be really upfront with it when you’re initiating a chat or responding to someone’s DM. “I’m looking for sober sex” dropped in early to a conversation clearly sets the tone and makes it clear what your boundaries are.
Did you consent to that?
One of the problematic aspects of having drug-fuelled sexual encounters – or being at a private party where the drugs are flowing and everyone is getting a bit loose – is that boundaries and judgement all tend to become a bit blurred.
Most guys who have used chems are likely to have incomplete memories of exactly what went down once the drugs came out.
If you are high on drugs that enable you to lose your inhibitions, how does that impact your ability to consent to who you have sex with and how you have sex with them? What responsibilities do we have to the men that we are sharing our chemsex encounters with? If you’re at a private chemsex party, what are the rules when it comes to consent?
We hear a lot of stories of people being filmed without realising that a camera was being pointed at them. Guys are being sexually assaulted but are reluctant to report the incident to the police because there were drugs involved. A come-down can leave us with a sickening feeling that we’ve probably done something we’re going to regret.
Do you need help to get your use of chems under control?
If you or someone you know is finding it difficult to manage their chemsex encounters, try to speak to drug and alcohol specialists who understand what chemsex is and the complexity involved.
Your local sexual health service will probably be able to refer you to an appropriate specialist, or search online for support services designed for men who are grappling with Chemsex issues.
I think I will stick with the 23% of the population who like to use my cock.
“The downsides of Chemsex can include an increased risk of sexually transmitted infections, as well as wide-ranging health and social impacts” …. noooo thanks! I have always attempted to keep my wits about me, sorry but I do not wish to be on meds for contracting HIV or whatnot, things that are easily avoidable! I take care of myself, eat healthy, get plenty of exercise, don’t smoke and drink very little, oh and no drugs! The consequences are tooo severe for living a stupid risky lifestyle!
Great post Gareth!
Always good to put information out there. Too often, there’s an assumption that everybody know everything. The prevalence of that attitude, especially in larger gay centres, prevents people from asking important questions.
Thanks, hrychstlvr69 – appreciate the feedback! Gareth.
This is a good topic to bring up. I have been on drugs–usually pot–when having sex, but have never taken anything, legal or not, specifically to enhance the experience. I wouldn’t want to give over my freewill, nor would I take anything addictive. (And no, pot is not addictive. I did it for years, then stopped with no problem. I do think it should be legal and regulated. It’s only a matter of time before all 50 states realize the revenues to be gained from the taxes on pot.)
Thanks for posting this, as living in the countryside I’ve never been sure what most of those terms referred to and now I know. I have twice run into people high on chems , one was an amazing looking muscle stud who just wanted to be barebacked by a succession of guys coming to his appartment. I put on a condom which he didn’t like so I left. The second guy was a chef who took some substance or other in my kitchen and became frighteningly paranoid, flattening himself against the wall if I so much as moved. It took me an hour to get him out of my house and I was on the point of calling the police for help as he was so deranged. The upshot is that I am happy to be in the 23% and would never take any of that shit now I have seen the effects at close quarters.
Great topic and well presented.
Providing information definitely helps to inform and allow people to plan in making choices.
I’m going to also state that I’m not so happy with judgement imposed in comments — it defeats the purpose. I prefer to use this information to help as well as to protect myself. I don’t know everyones situation, but do know judging them is not helpful.
Great topic, and needed more often. Poppers are so damn detrimental to ones health in many ways, besides just becoming a slut, that I’ve now avoided them. 420 isn’t q
Good sex is so great it doesn’t need anything else to enhance it.
Are you including 420 and poppers in chemsex now?
And if so, then exclude alcohol?
pot/marijuana not addictive? not correct … a drug information site cites studies that show that one in eleven marijuana users will become addicted and that teens who start on dope have a one in six chance of getting addicted … plus there is the link between using marijuana and going onto harder more addictive stuff, and between marijuana use and the risk of psychosis and the risk of schizophrenia in genetically susceptible individuals …
Oh, please. Pot is no more addictive than tobacco and many tobacco users with whom I’m familiar CANNOT go more than a couple of hours (at most) without their “fix” and if they do miss it, they start experiencing signs that are similar to those of full-on withdrawal. And, a lot of tobacco users routinely partake of other drugs (notably alcohol but caffeine’s also a drug).
Those “studies” you mention are rarely, if ever, truly neutral; they’re done by groups who deliberately manipulate the findings to ensure their preconceived idea that pot’s bad. As for that last bit about “marijuana use and the risk of psychosis and the risk of schizophrenia,” that is so preposterous. ANY individual who’s “genetically susceptible” for schizophrenia will develop it REGARDLESS of their use of any kind of drug and any studies which try to “link” the two concepts is obviously from the same “science” that anti-vaxxers use to back up their claims of autism being the result of vaccinations (they, of course, completely ignore the fact that autism existed long before widespread vaccinations but the condition was poorly understood; as science has come to better understand autism–which happens to coincide with the era that vaccinations became so widespread–then doctors are better able to recognize the signs in people who 50 years ago might have gone undiagnosed).
The simple reality is that people can become addicted to pretty much anything and NO addiction (whether to heroin or coffee or tobacco or sex) should be dismissed by laypeople who rely on “studies” which they don’t actually READ and UNDERSTAND, preferring instead to let other “experts” tell them what those studies have said.
your first sentence just proves you wrong, you say its nor more addictive than tobacco, its proven fact that tobacco is addictive
thank you for posting this, I will continue to pass on Chem-sex……
Good to know the info. Confident in saying it’ll never be for me.
Never had chemsex
The sex is amazing
I do chemsex and I’ve always practiced safe sex, i go to a spa etc.his Dick feels better, I’m more open to positions and role play and coming down with a naked body in your bed is soooo much better ?? ????
Clean and sober since last October, after 50 years of weed and beers. Weed may not be physically addictive but it can have a very strong psychological addiction. It was more difficult for me to quit the cheeba than to stop the suds. Part of the problem with legal drugs is they are ubiquitous. Here in the Denver area, there’s a liquor store on every corner and 6 dispensaries within a mile of me. Tempting.
I feel great now, best thing I ever did!