Whatever kind of sex-education you had when you were growing up, odds are it didn’t do much to prepare you for the reality of sex.

Most of us rely on ‘on the job’ training – through a fair bit of trial and error we figure out what feels good and how to make other guys feel good.

But how do we know if we’re actually any good at the whole sex business? Reviews and feedback are difficult to come by and often not very reliable. It doesn’t take much for our anxiety to kick in – is the reason he doesn’t seem keen to meet up again because I’m a lousy fuck?

Adding to the complex landscape of our sexual anxieties is the subliminal – and sometimes overt – pressure to emulate the kind of sexual encounters that we see in porn. If I don’t leave him flooded and gaping, is that underwhelming? If I can’t handle being aggressively pounded by a huge cock, will guys still want to fuck me?

In this article, we’re going to take a look at some simple steps you can take if you’re thinking that you’d like to raise your game in the bedroom.

How to build your confidence in the bedroom and ease sexual performance anxiety

There’s obviously more to a sexual encounter than just getting naked, getting hard, and getting off. As well as being physically aroused, you also need to have an emotional engagement.

Emotional engagement doesn’t mean that you have to have ‘feelings’ for the guy. You probably don’t want to date him, you may not even want to know his name, but you need to be in the right headspace that gives you the confidence to connect with your hook-up and gives your body the green-light that it’s go-time.

Practice with Toys

If your psychological weak-spot is bottoming – that you feel like you’d like to be able to comfortably take bigger cocks, or be fucked harder, or you just want to ensure that you’re clean and confident and ready for anything, then practising with sex toys is an easy way to build your confidence.

Warming up with some toys is a useful way to test how effective your douching technique is. Toys can also help you safely test your limits and train your body to take bigger and harder.

Plan a gay meet-up at a local bar

Try delaying the sexual encounter. We seem to be living in an age of instant gratification – some of our sexual anxiety may stem from feeling rushed into getting naked and getting off. Some of us like to take it a bit slower.

If you’re negotiating a hook-up with a guy, instead of jumping straight to “my place or yours”, why not arrange to meet him somewhere neutral first. You can be clear that sex is still on the table, but having a quick conversation with him first might help ensure that the chemistry is right and that you’re feeling the emotional engagement that you need in order to bring your A-game to the encounter.

Gay Chat Websites

Sometimes our anxiety around sex can stem from not having the confidence or vocabulary to talk about sex with guys – particularly when the conversation starts with a dick pic.

Put the technology to work and get some practice in how to navigate those conversations.

Using gay chat and apps can help you to just talk to guys – it could be as simple as sharing experiences or it might be a way for you to connect with guys that share the same kinks and fetishes as you.

Using a gay cruising website or gay dating app to chat with guys and articulate what turns you on and what you’d like to do when you get together can help reduce the anxiety when the hook-up actually happens – you know what he’s expecting because you’ve talked about it beforehand.

Get more in touch with your body

Anxiety about sexual performance can stem from not being in tune with how your body responds to pleasure or not being able to relax sufficiently to just immerse yourself in the experience and trust your body to do its thing.

Kegel exercises are a simple starting point to help to train yourself to be a bit more in tune with your body. Another option is to explore some of the classes and courses that fall under the broad umbrella of Tantra. There’s online courses, in-person workshops, or you can book 1-on-1 sessions with a practitioner.

Tantra can include things such as meditation, breathing exercises, lingam massage, edging techniques, and orgasm control – any of which might help you overcome any sexual hang-ups that might subconsciously be holding you back.